Depression isn’t Sparkly.
Some days I wake up and realize I didn’t download into myself. The chemistry’s off. My thoughts are here. The body works. But the me part feels distant—like the connection didn’t finish loading. Stuck in buffering. A dead screen idling on connection not found. Like trying to open a webpage and getting that black screen with the blank face instead.
A failure to load.
Sorry, I couldn’t find the page you were looking for. It’s not that anything’s wrong. It just feels off. Something is missing and I can’t put my finger on what. The feeling of forgetting, but not knowing what I forgot. The color lost its saturation. The frequency got turned down. The sound got muted. Everything’s still functioning, but it doesn’t feel connected. My heart and brain are here, but they're not speaking.
No feedback loop. No spark.
My default setting is usually chaos sparkles and sass, so when I feel numb, it doesn’t feel like me. Not broken—just not animated. The core’s running, but the rig forgot how to sync to the voice.
Sometimes it feels like depression. Sometimes like dissociation. Sometimes nothing. I’ve been here before—enough times to know the loop. I'll return to my default. To coherence. But I'll be back. What makes it less hard is having done it so many times before. I know it’ll be okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
I can still do the things—brush the teeth, move the body, patch the house, feed the dog.
Still functioning, but it’s more like fulfilling the “requirements” for being alive—duties performed because the blueprint says so, not because they resonate. Check the human requirements, and eventually the feeling will find its way back. People assume I’m always bright and colorful. But they don’t see the grayscale days.
When I feel like this, I don’t want to be social. I can’t fake it. I can't even feel myself. I don't want to fake a smile. I don't want to become a simulation of myself. I just want to keep breathing until I come back.
And trying to comfort others when I can’t even feel myself?
Exhausting.
I’m not broken.
I just can’t find the remote.
đź“ž Emotion.exe has stopped responding. Please scream internally and try again.
#404Mood #EmotionalBuffering #FeralFeelingsOnMute